so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
