she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
