I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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