I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
