I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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