Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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