You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
