I have demons in me.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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