So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
