I wish I could teleport
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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