I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
