tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
