so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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