Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
