I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Randomize
