Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
