Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
