There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
