well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
