Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
