she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
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whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
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Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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