your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
