You made me cry and you don't even care
My sheets look like a crime scene.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
