i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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