I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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