I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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