Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.