WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.