Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
