my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
