I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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