I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
babies were throwing up all over the place
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Randomize
