I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
