Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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