i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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