I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Randomize
