felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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