so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
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I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
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I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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