my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
