I wish I could punch you in the face.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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