If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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