You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
