Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
