bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
