You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
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