I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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