My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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