I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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