It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
