I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
It's shark week go big or go home
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
