no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
