Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
