I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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