I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
