i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
