he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
