EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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