All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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