im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
