no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
