You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
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Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
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I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He? As in you personified your dick?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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